I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
