I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
