i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
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