Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
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