I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
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