please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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