Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
