i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Do you think casino weekend will remind us once again that we in fact are not mature enough to be this old?
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
All this studying of HIV makes me want to have sex with you.
Randomize
