his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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