Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
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