i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I don't remember, but I believe your goodnight phrase was "nice meeting you, thanks for not macing me"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
Randomize
