Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I just feel like you're using me for sex.
I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
Randomize
