Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
