it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I am going to be so excited tomorrow when I find this box of crayons in my purse
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
