Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
Randomize
