It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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