if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
Until you wake up with a Hustler club stripper in the next room whose nipple you were coerced to lick at Snake & Jake's after breaking up a fight between an Indian and a Filipino, I don't wanna hear about your weird.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I touched a dick in church today
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
Randomize
