I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.
I thi k this dude I fcken showed up to the bar in a raisins shirts. I thought I was better than that. Fuckkkk.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
