After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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