anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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