I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
