It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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