i just spent the last half hour thinking about my totally irrational and intense hatred of wedge flip flops.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
