I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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