saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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