The girl I hooked up with in exchange for Ramen freshmen year is living with the girl I currently wish to bang.
Try oodles of noodles this time.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
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