She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Randomize
