I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
