I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
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