i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
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