the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
