I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
