what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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