Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
I really wanna know when trying to grow up turned into try not to throw up.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Randomize
