my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
