Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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