He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
