bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Randomize
