this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
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