I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
So last night, I bought mother's day cards and the Plan B pill.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
