There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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