I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
She made me pour olive oil on her.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
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