Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
i think i just lost a toe
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
