I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
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