oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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