I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
I may be in pain from falling off the roof but getting to the morning roof keg was well worth it.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Well she described you as a "Sex-Viking", which seemed to be only slightly related to the red beard. So things are looking good!
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
The Olympian is in my bed
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Nate is still in lock up because when the cop informed me he'd shit his pants in the squad car I declined to post bail.
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