she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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