I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
