it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
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