wakey wakey hands off snakey
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
Randomize
