I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.
Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
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