Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Randomize
