If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
