There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Sex on the scooter in the parking lot wasn't the smartest idea. Actual quote from the cop as he handed me the ticket and fist bumped me.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
sex in a hospital.. check
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Randomize
