i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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