Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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