i need an iv and a liver transplant
she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
I'm too high and old for this...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
But I think I successfully seduced her with my alias.
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize