What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
yeah dropping that class because i really don't want to be known as the girl who fell asleep in class and threw up as she walked out for an entire semester
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
