Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
this must be what syphilis tastes like
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
