Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
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