I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
