I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
