party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
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