It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
Someone touched my vagina when we were out last night. The fact that it was you is inconsequential and I am still counting it as a pull.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Randomize
