you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Lets play hurricane shelter. And the shelter is my bed, and we forgot our clothes.
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
