I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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